What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.