WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”