[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
real
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent