After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.