Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives