Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.