doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
A classic…
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.