Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What鈥檚 the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you鈥檙e alive. The bad news is you鈥檙e going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can鈥檛 you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn鈥檛 do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can鈥檛 do his maths homework
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My dog learned how to text