I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Netflix and scream at our children?!
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.