yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Morning my dudes.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.