I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.