If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”