I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Does this dress make me look cat?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.