me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
set yourself free xox
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.