me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Well, this explains it:
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream