Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”