Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.