Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
*pronounces fake like saké*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that