She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.