Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Does beer think about me too?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo