[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.