Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.