me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
TWEET CALL
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.