CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…