I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.