*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.