I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
You Might Also Like
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.