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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
The news
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*