movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!