Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me: