On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers