Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute