A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
tinder is all about the long game
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
scared to check what name she chose
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.