Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
You Might Also Like
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.