I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down