Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.