women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad