what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You Might Also Like
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.