Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
When I laugh on my period
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.