HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Y’all ready for this
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79