Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
6. me as a lawyer
I put the p in pants.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
oh my god
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*