My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.