It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Every BBC series about the universe.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back