My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
12653.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.