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Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My dad teaching me to drive
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!