The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.