{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Worth remembering.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams