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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
The Friday File.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE