Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
How do you like your Corgi?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
This is my pinned tweet
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Spa day..😅
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
😜