[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
#titanic
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*